When the Broken-Hearted Lead
Recently, there was a pastor who passed away due to a self-inflicted gunshot wound. This apparent suicide is another gut-wrenching and tragic situation in an ever-growing list of pastors and ministers who’ve lost their fight with depression and mental health. My heart breaks as I fight back tears for those we’ve lost, their families who must continue on in the wake of the tragedy, as well as the many others still fighting their battles. Ministry isn’t for the faint of heart. It’s one of the toughest, loneliest and most stressful professions in the world today. Lead pastors carry the bulk of this weight and the pastors that work alongside them struggle with a similar battle.
Most pastors and church staff feel called to ministry simply to help people and spread the Gospel. But the growing list of expectations that pastors have stacked on them is causing disillusionment and depression. The weight of these expectations grows more and more every year.
Pastors are supposed to be:
A selfless spouse and parent of the year
A humble and compassionate counselor
In great physical shape with a current sense of style
A life coach and encourager to everyone they meet
A gifted and passionate speaker
A thought-leader and innovator
A spiritual giant and prayer warrior
A general contractor and chief financial officer
A student of theology, sociology and psychology
A social justice mouthpiece
An incredible leader who grows their ministry every year, forever
A small group leader, event coordinator, volunteer director, social media influencer and author
Available for weddings, funerals, emergencies, parties and social gatherings
Funny, happy, cool, professional, deep, relevant, and more!
The list could go on and on. These expectations are ridiculous-- no one is good at every item on this list. The above list doesn’t describe a pastor. It describes a made-up, superhuman person that no one can actually be. Many pastors end up isolating themselves to keep from disappointing those they’re leading since they can’t measure up to the above standard. The relationships in which a pastor feels safe enough to actually be open, real and honest are so few; it usually only includes their immediate family.
And God-forbid you ever mess up! The church is awful about publicly humiliating and discarding our wounded. While I’m all for church discipline and a process of restoration when it comes to moral and ethical failings, the expectation to never get it wrong is absurd. The grace extended when someone sins and misses the mark is often severely lacking or even non-existent. We’re often so much better at pointing a finger of judgment than offering a hand of help.
My question to all of us is how many more pastors need to walk away from ministry or lose their lives before we make some much needed changes? There is a lot I could say and multiple groups I could address in order to start making progress with these issues… but I want to talk to pastors and church staff.
Here’s a quick self assessment… How many of these questions would you answer yes to?
I hold myself to unrealistic expectations
My spouse tells me my work life is out of balance
I am working at a pace that’s unsustainable
I have let a busy season become a busy lifestyle
I don’t have real friends outside of my immediate family
I rarely take days off. Definitely not every week
I struggle with depression
I regularly feel lonely
I get anxious on a regular basis
I have thought about suicide as a relief to my pain or frustration, even if it was brief.
If I’m honest, there’s been seasons in ministry that I would say all of these statements were me. I’ve faced some dark days. But by God’s grace, I was able to climb out of the hole I was in. While I’m in no way perfect or struggle free today, there are some things I’ve found to help.
#1 You cannot fix a problem you refuse to face
In His sovereignty, God gave us relationships as a way to find healing from the issues we face (read James 5:16). You and I have to find a safe place to open up and be honest. If you currently don’t have that safe place, read #2. If you’re reading this and we’re friends or even if we barely know each other and you need a safe place to be open… email me. I’ll give you my cell number and we’ll talk. Don’t fight alone. Get help.
#2 It’s not a lack of faith or weakness to get professional help
In many Christian circles, depression and mental health struggles carry such a stigma. We may not say it this plainly, but it’s as if we think depression equals a lack of faith. This simply isn’t true. Life has hard times. We have a real spiritual enemy who wants to kill us. Leading people is messy. If you need help, get help. There was a time in my ministry career that both my wife and I went to counseling. It was one of the most helpful things we’ve ever done.
#3 Fight for real friendships and to keep the mask off
I’ve heard it said that you can’t really be friends with those you’re leading. I completely disagree with this idea. While you can’t and won’t be close friends with everyone you’re leading, it’s definitely possible to be friends with a few people you’re leading. Just ask Jesus. He was close enough with Peter that Peter thought it was a good idea to correct Jesus. That sounds a lot like a friend to me. When Jesus is about to be crucified, He let them see His deep anguish and intimate prayers. Again sounds like friendship to me.
As pastors, we tell others how they are created to be in relationship with others and we push small groups and “doing life together”. This same truth for them is true for us. Your friends should know your dreams, your hopes and your fears. Here’s my challenge to you-- DO NOT settle for a life without close friends, or only friends who live hundreds of miles away. That is not what it means to be in ministry.
#4 Let go of unrealistic expectations and refuse to let others hold them over you
You have spiritual gifts and a personality that was given to you by God. Both of these have limitations. You can’t be great at everything. Just own this fact. You don’t have to pretend you don’t have weaknesses and you don’t have to beat yourself up over the weaknesses you do have. Let yourself off the hook. Here’s what you have to try and do. Be you and fight to always grow. If you can do that, people will respect you and follow you. Craig Groeschel always says on his leadership podcast, “People would rather follow a leader who is always real, than one who is always right.”
#5 Pray. Read. Keep Fighting.
Matthew 7:7 (NLT) Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.
You may be in the middle of your battle, but keep fighting. Keep praying. Keep being open and honest with your loved ones. The church wants you to stay. Your family wants you to stay. Jesus wants you to stay!
As you keep fighting, it’s my prayer that you receive the freedom you seek!