What should I do when I've been hurt?
I’ve had my fair share of people doing stupid things to me over the course of my life. I’m sure you have too. Asking people if you have ever been hurt, offended or mistreated is like asking someone if you went to the bathroom today. Sure, it happened, but that doesn’t mean we feel like talking about it. That’s much of our response to being hurt. We sit in silence and try to pretend everything is ok. Other times we respond by obsessing over it. We tell anyone and everyone who will listen. But neither of those responses are helpful and if you’re a Christian, they’re definitely not biblical. When I get hurt or offended, I sometimes react really poorly. Other times I react in a way that pleases God, but many times, it’s somewhere in the middle. Life is tough and people can be selfish. The Bible promises us that offenses will come (see Matthew 18:7), so we must ask ourselves what God wants us to do when they do come?
#1 Forgive them
Matthew 6:15 “but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”
Forgiveness is a big deal to God. God has forgiven you and I of so much! We haven’t earned and don’t deserve His forgiveness. In reality, there is nothing that has been done to us that is worse than what we’ve done by rebelling against a holy and just God. When we choose to forgive others, we recognize how much we’ve been forgiven.
I know forgiving others isn’t easy. I know it may feel like you’re letting them off the hook, but you’re not. You’re letting yourself off the hook. Holding unforgiveness and bitterness is like drinking poison. When you forgive, you can move on. When you refuse to forgive, you refuse to move past your hurt. You’re stuck and you’ve stalled. My challenge to you is to not stay in the pain. Forgive. Move forward.
#2 Confront them
Many times when we’re hurt we say, “Oh it’s no big deal” and we stuff the pain away. Every time we do that, though, part of us gets tucked away and hidden, all in hopes to not be hurt again. Let’s read what the bible says we should do when we’re hurt or sinned against… Matthew 18:15 “If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back.”
You see that?! When you’ve been hurt or offended you go to the person who did it and have a conversation. Notice is doesn’t say call your best friend, get them on your side, make a passive aggressive Facebook post about it and bad mouth the offender to your momma. It simply says to go to the person and talk to them. When I’ve chosen to do this, it almost always goes better than I expected. That doesn’t mean it always goes great, but generally speaking people are apologetic. Even if they’re not though, at least you’ve done your part. You tried and you’ve opened the door to repair and reconcile the relationship. That’s all God expects.
#3 Love them and Trust God with them
Romans 12:19-21 “Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” 20 To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
This passage of scripture has two great points about what to do when you’re hurt or offended. You trust God to repay them if that’s what He sees as best. There’s a principle in scripture called “sowing and reaping.” That means whatever a person sows, they will reap. If a person is always hurting others, it’s gonna come back on them. The above scripture is telling us not to be the one who repays people. But to trust God with it. It’s not my job to get you back for hurting me… it’s my job to forgive you, confront you and trust God with the outcome.
The second thing this passage tells us is to be good to those who hurt us. “But they deserved to be punished, they deserve to be hurt like they hurt me!” That may be true, but that’s not your job. Your job is to help them, serve them, love them. Here’s the deal “hurting people, hurt people.” No one is a jerk because they love life and are pain free. But many people hurt others because they don’t know how to deal with their own pain.
I know the 3 points above are very hard. They take confidence and a lot of faith in God. But I also know this: when I’ve forgiven someone I’ve never regretted it. When I’ve had a hard conversation, I always feel better. When I trust God with my pain and love others, it does more good for me than I could ever imagine. Take a step today. Forgive. Confront. Love others and Trust God.