First, I'm sorry. If you were hurt by people who were supposed to represent Jesus, that hurt is real, and it's not small. And if what happened was abuse, please hear me: talk to a pastor you trust, a counselor, or the authorities. What I say below is about the everyday hurts and offenses that happen in every church, not abuse.
Over the years, I've served in a lot of churches in a lot of states. Some of the pastors I worked for were incredible: Christlike, loving and genuinely concerned for me. Some were harsh, manipulative and controlling. And honestly, there were times I was the harsh one. I'm not perfect either.
One time, a pastor I loved and respected rebuked me in front of six or seven of my peers. For at least 15 minutes, he told me 15 different ways that Satan had used me to try to destroy our church. I was crushed. It took me at least a week before I could look anyone in the face.
In that moment, I had two choices, and so do you: you either choose forgiveness or you choose bitterness. "I'm not choosing to be bitter." Unless you choose forgiveness, you are. Jesus didn't leave much room on this one: "If you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses" (Matthew 6:15 ESV).
You might be thinking, "But what they did was really bad." Maybe it was. But bitterness usually has less to do with how big the offense was and more to do with how close the offender was. It hurts more because it was the church.
Here's something I had to learn: no matter what a Christian leader has done to you, Jesus has only loved you. Too often we make church leaders synonymous with Jesus. They're not Jesus. They're imperfect people, and so are we. Don't let what a person did keep you from the Savior who never hurt you.
So what do you do?
Admit you were wronged, and admit it hurt.
If it's safe, talk to the person. "If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense" (Matthew 18:15 NLT).
Get advice, but don't gossip to get sympathy.
Choose to forgive. Forgiveness is a decision and a process.
Pray for the person who hurt you. You know you've forgiven someone when you genuinely want good for them.
And don't give up on the church. The church is God's plan, flaws and all. Find a healthy church, start slow, and let God rebuild your trust one step at a time.
Scripture: Matthew 6:14–15; 18:15; Ephesians 4:26–27, 31–32